Today we worked on our first drafts of our Technology essays. In these early steps in the writing process, we added global comments to our peers papers. To me, I felt that I left better global comments on Robyn’s paper because I had more connections, ideas, and evidence to support her paper. Robyn’s paper was really good and had a great flow. Within her paper, I could make all of the global comments that are ideas, evidence, and organization. Many comments of mine, I feel like will help Robyn as she progresses between her drafts. Specific comments that I feel will help Robyn are as followed: a comment for organization was that she mentioned at the end of a paragraph that technology has decreased our mental state then went into the next paragraph talking about loneliness. I suggested that she change that sentence to mental state is being defined by loneliness due to technology. I thought that this suggestion would allow her two paragraphs to flow into one another better. Another comment, was a connection to her statement about not being able to relax because of the constant buzzing of a text or notification popping up on our phones. I agreed to this statement, because I often feel anxiety from the constant buzzing of notifications and texts because I feel the urge to answer. I realize it’s such a big distraction that I just can’t get around. The last example of one of my global comments that I thought was really helpful was evidence based. I found when she was talking about social media and how people feel that the more likes and comments they get the more attention they are receiving and as an explanation of evidence I found this relating to one’s self esteem. The more likes means they’re happier because people are paying attention to their social media which boosts their self esteem. These are just some of the many global comments that I made on Robyns draft that I hope will help her between her drafts.

Robyn’s First Draft With My Comments on It:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nNvIT19ySccKzCVjnFHQ7A2mbQgFuD_-jBg6vW6Tk1g/edit

Sam’s First Draft With My Comments on It:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Gnvr5g4pMs8xmOPjDs1YwqvVX7DngSps8eVh5Q38cjw/edit